We walk by faith, not by sight

I was at another church this past Sunday (being able to do that is the best part of not having worship), and it was 5 minutes before worship started and there were hardly any cars in the parking lot. Which is not all that noteworthy- most everything folks go to these days they show up at the last minute or late. What I realized, though, is that at some point on Easter Sunday the parking lot is going to be empty and I am going to be freaking out. Even if 1,000 people end up coming, there is going to be a point where I look out, see no cars and think "We're finished."

We may not be, but at some point that morning anxiety is just gonna take over and I'm gonna feel like I've just wasted the last 10 months of my life. And right after that, the place will probably be filled with people and it'll be great. But that moment of terror is coming. I know it. I felt it brush past this Sunday. It's stalking me.

Fear is new for me. I'm usually too arrogant to be genuinely afraid of failure. Either that, or I can delude myself into thinking it won't happen. Used to be I could do one of those things and fear wasn't an issue. It just went away, and I have basically lived a life without fear. But this job has scared the daylights out of me because there is a very real chance that it could fail. That I could take on the biggest challenge of my life and flop. For once in my life, there is no getting around the fear. It's there, and it's not going away. I have never felt so vulnerable, for so long, in my whole life.

We walk by faith, not by sight is what Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5. People will come. I don't know how many, but some. I know that. But I'm still going to feel that terror in my gut.

Maybe walking by faith doesn't mean walking without fear.
Maybe it means walking in spite of it.
And if God's power really does work best in my weakness, then God is about to kick some serious butt.