Waiting on God

I've been working on The River since June, but really since April, when the first Bible study began. But really, I've been working on it for years, because God has been sending the concepts and ideas to me for years. So while I've only been on the payroll since June, it has really been years of work. And Sunday is the first Cluster gathering.

It is difficult to not say "Sunday is the day I find out if it will all work or not." It's been difficult to recognize Sunday for what it is: one step on a much bigger journey. A different step, a new step, the first of many (hopefully) steps like it, but just one step nonetheless. It is difficult to keep Sunday in perspective because tangible results have been hard to come by. Is my labor bearing fruit? Is God's reign growing? Is the Holy Spirit working through me to come to people in life-changing ways? Or am I just drinking a lot of coffee and hanging out and not accomplishing much of anything? It is very, very tempting to use this Sunday as a barometer of how well things are going so far.

Reality, though, is that Sunday won't really tell me, and that it's not my job to know anyway. My job is to listen to God, do what I'm told by God, and then wait for God to let me know how I'm doing. I don't know what shape that sign will take. It could happen Sunday, or after Monday I could have more questions than I did on Saturday. I just don't know how I will know how much fruit this is bearing, or even if I will know.

What I do know is that it's not me doing the work: it's God. It's not up to me to determine what 'success' is: it's God. And therefore it's not my place to know if I'm succeeding or not: it is merely my place to follow, and to trust that God is doing what God wants. That takes the pressure off in some ways, but it means a lot of waiting, a lot of not knowing, and a lot of trust. That can be hard when this is how your family eats and keeps a roof over their head, and if it fails then the paychecks stop coming.

But I am trying, because I believe the promises God has made. I believe the words of Matthew 6:25-33, and I am striving for the reign of God above all things. What I struggle with is not knowing whether that striving is going anywhere. But since it's not my place, I work, and I pray, and I trust, and I hope that someday God will bless me with a glimpse of how this is going. Maybe that will be Sunday, but I'm working very hard to not get my hopes up for an answer, and to just let it be what God wants it to be. Because that is what it needs to be- nothing more, and nothing less.