The Painting

Last week I went to Denver for a conference, and got to not only visit my former home but to see a lot of good friends at the church I interned at. It had been almost eight years since I left, and these were some people that I love dearly and had not seen since. During those years the church had blown up like few I have ever seen. A lot of people I love got hurt by that, and it was good to see them and reconnect and know that they are doing very well.

After seminary, that church wanted me back and I wanted to go back. Beth, however, really did not want to go back to Denver. So I told them that I was not coming, they ended up calling some other folks, the place blew up, lots of people got hurt, and I was left wondering "What if?" Not with the blow up, but with my life. With my calling.

Here I am, in Atlanta, doing what I think God wants me to do, living the life I think God wants me to live. I think God has led me here, that God has reasons for me being here, and that God is at work in my life growing the kingdom. My kids were born here. I have friends here. My roots here as deep as they have been anywhere since my childhood home.

However, I think I could have been just as happy in Colorado. Could have had a life and a ministry just as good. My being here was God's plan, but does that mean that me going back to Colorado was not God's plan? It's inconceivable to me that, if I had gone back, it would have been less wonderful for me and less fruitful for the kingdom than being here. So what to think?

I'm starting to question the idea that God has a plan for our lives. A plan is followed 1-2-3. Three can't happen until two does, and two doesn't happen until one does. It's a step by step process. But when I look at the history of what God has done in the bible, I don't see a step by step plan. I see a vision, a picture, an ideal that God is working towards. People do things along the way that either help or hurt the progress of that vision, so God does different things at different times to get things moving back toward that vision. But it does not seem to be 1-2-3, like a construction project. It seems more like a painting being painted than a car being assembled.

Paintings are not done in a linear fashion. It's a little bit here, a little bit there, in different steps and stages, with layers of paint being placed on top of each other. I think our lives are more a work of God's art than an erector set. I think there is room for different colors, different backgrounds, and for us to make choices. I think maybe God doesn't give us "A or B" choices. I think maybe God gives us options for some of what goes in our painting, and we get to fill parts in ourselves.

I'm in Atlanta, and I think God wants me here. I'm thankful to God that I am here. If I had the opportunity to move to Colorado right now, I would say 'No thanks'. And if God wanted me to move there, we'd have a long conversation that could involve me being swallowed by fish. This is where I am supposed to be. But I'm starting to think that maybe God doesn't have a 1-2-3 plan for me. Maybe God has a painting for me, and is letting me choose some of what goes in it. Or maybe I'm a heretic. I don't know. But I do know that a life that's painted sounds a lot more like the God I know than a life that's assembled 1-2-3.

My role in the community

I was at a buddy's wedding two weekends ago. Even though he's not Christian, he asked me to do the wedding. There are several reasons he asked me to do this, and some of them are very good reasons. I performed the wedding, and I'm glad I did. One of the reasons he asked me is simply that I'm a pastor, and pastors do weddings. In his mind, that's part of my role in the community. Just as a firefighter fights fires and teacher educates children, I do weddings.

While there, I had a great conversation a woman whose job is to connect those needing free health care with providers willing to give it to them. We got talking about community service organizations, and what it's like giving something away when you know people are taking advantage of you. I shared that I will always give away food, no matter who asks or why. Her response was "Of course- that's your role in the community."

The lack of spirituality in their perception of my job was disturbing. I help people as a spiritual imperative that comes out of my relationship with Jesus Christ, not because it's my 'role'. I do weddings for Christians because they want God to bind them together, and my presence (as a pastor, not as 'me') helps them do that where no other job holder could.

I think this points to the fact that 'spirituality' and 'pastor' are not linked in the minds of people outside of Christianity. When people who are not Christian seek meaning and answers in life, they will turn to all kinds of places before they look to a pastor. We are not viewed as spiritual mentors and leaders by non-Christians. That's really annoying, because God put me on this earth to help people outside existing Christian communities grow deeper in their own personal faith. But the very people I'm trying to reach don't seem to be looking to me for that.

Problem is, what other title is there? Pastor Karen Ward at Church of the Apostles in Seattle goes by "Abbess," like in a monastery. Somehow, I don't think that work too well in Alpharetta :-). River guide? I like that image, it fits with our metaphor, but it would take so much explaining that it makes me tired just thinking about it. So I don't really know what to do...which means I'll probably stick with just plain old 'pastor,' and do my best to let folks know who I am and what that means for me. I hope that some day the word 'pastor' can become more associated with spirituality, but in the meantime I'm hoping I can use one to be the other for people. Use the way I am viewed in the community to get the word out that I am here to help people with their spirituality.

That's the hope, anyway. I'll let you know how it goes.

New Years resolutions

I don't usually do these, but then I thought "Well, why not?" I couldn't come up with a good answer, so here goes. These are in 'stream of consciousness' order, which is to say 'no order at all'.

1. Clean my house. Now I know what you're thinking: does that have to do with The River? Well, if there's one thing I learned in seminary (and it might be only one) it's that I have to have my own act together before I can be effective. And the house is a wreck.

2. Exercise more. Take more walks, do some more Yoga. Maybe even swim more in the summer. Same reason as #1. However, I will NOT be joining a gym or starting running. Yuck.

3. Plan ahead better. As we're growing, there are more people wanting (and needing) to do ministry. If I can be a better planner, our overall ministry will be more effective.

4. Pray more, and read my bible more.

5. Pray that God either finds someone to lead a Family Cluster or gives me the patience to deal with it not happening.

6. Do even more community outreach.

7. Be more active in witnessing to my friends. I'm still a little skittish, and I need to just walk off the proverbial cliff without looking around so much.

8. Work with the Vision team to figure out who 'The River' is, then to figure out where God wants us to go.

9. Watch more foreign films and HBO shows. There's a lot of thought provoking movies made overseas. I enjoy Hollywood drivel, but I also like movies that make me think. And HBO puts out some of the most compelling characters and stories on TV. They contain much truth about humanity, and thus really make me think about my relationship to God.

10. Do more for North Fulton Community Charities. I think we can really do a lot to help them, and it's a tremendous opportunity to really make a difference and also to show folks who we really are.

11. Start bowhunting again. Now that the kids are sleeping all night, I'd really like to get out in the woods and commune with God by killing Bambi. When I'm in the woods hunting, I feel like I'm participating in something God made me to do. But it's simple and peaceful and calm, unlike most of the other things I do. OK, so the actual killing part isn't very peaceful, but the fifty hours waiting for Bambi to walk by sure are.

So there you go. Eleven things I'd like to do in 2008. They're actually all realistic, so I don't have any excuses. Especially when it comes to cleaning the house.